Notice: this is a shortened post of my full raw blog with much more storytelling and interesting details.
Introduction
From July 7th to 18th, 2020, I attended a 10-day Vipassana meditation course (Dhamma.org) in Limburg, Belgium—less than an hour’s drive from my home.
For a summary of the Vipassana technique and why it works, see this post.
In this entry, I’m documenting my Vipassana experience, significant dreams, and moments of wisdom that arose during the retreat’s most intense periods.
Context
I first encountered Vipassana seven years ago in a creativity course. Meditation intrigued me, but it never became a disciplined practice—partly because I was still Christian at the time. Whenever I felt unusual sensations, I thought demons were attacking me. My mother’s paranoia about meditation and altered states of consciousness reinforced my reluctance.
Over the years, however, influences from books, the internet, and various teachings gradually steered me back toward meditation. By 2017, I was meditating sporadically—about an hour per month. In 2019, my practice shifted beyond mere meditation into contemplation, focusing on deep introspection and shadow work to confront unconscious patterns.
In early 2020, I took Jason Louv’s Adept Initiative course, which introduced me to Raja Yoga. I began practicing asana-pranayama-dharana daily for 30 minutes. This taught me that pain is just a mental construct, something that can be endured and even transcended. Yet, despite these practices, I still struggled with focus, self-worth, and a gnawing sense of anxiety.
By mid-2020, synchronicities repeatedly nudged me toward Vipassana. Mentions of it surfaced in books, podcasts, even Netflix shows. I tried enrolling in November 2019 but was waitlisted. After two more attempts, I finally secured a spot for July 2020.
Preparation
Without researching too much about Vipassana, I expected it to be an intensive Raja Yoga retreat—lots of sitting, breathing, and self-exploration. My primary goal was to detach from daily distractions and go deep within.
To prepare, I worked with the 7 Sacred Seals from Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys, focusing on burning karma and initiating spiritual transformation. Each day for a week before the retreat, I opened a different seal, aligning the final seal’s activation with my arrival at the retreat center.
I also quit coffee to avoid withdrawal headaches, which hit hard on July 1st and 2nd.
On July 7th, I arrived at Dhamma Pajjota in Dilsem-Stokkem, ready for what lay ahead.
The Vipassana Experience
Arrival
Upon arrival, I felt tense. Around 50 participants were checking in—various types of people, from the deeply spiritual to the seemingly ordinary. My mind projected judgments onto everyone.
I was assigned a shared room (Room 102), which immediately triggered concerns: How are we supposed to maintain Noble Silence while sharing a room? What if my roommate snores? Accepting the situation, I set up my bed and took a walk around the grounds.
As I walked, my mind spiraled through countless thoughts—self-doubt, judgments, existential musings, career worries, and creative frustrations. This was a familiar pattern, but I hadn’t yet learned equanimity—that would come soon enough.
At 7:00 PM, the gong sounded, signaling our first gathering in the meditation hall. We received our assigned cushions, and through the speakers, S.N. Goenka’s recorded voice introduced us to the practice. The only technique we’d use on Day 1 was Anapana—observing the breath at the nostrils. We were asked to maintain Noble Silence (no speaking, eye contact, or gestures) until Day 9.
The retreat had begun.
Daily Breakdown
Day 1-3: Training the Mind
Day 1: Focus on the breath at the nostrils. My body hurt. My mind rebelled. I changed posture constantly. Yet, amidst the struggle, moments of deep clarity emerged.
Day 2: Narrowing focus to the area between the nostrils and upper lip. The pain intensified. During walks, reality took on an altered, almost psychedelic quality.
Day 3: Further reducing the focus area. I started to see through the mind’s distractions. My roommate unexpectedly left, which triggered a wave of emotions—relief, sadness, and guilt.
Day 4: The Actual Vipassana Begins
On Day 4, we transitioned from Anapana to Vipassana—systematically scanning the body for sensations, observing them without reaction. This marked the true beginning of deep purification.
I encountered Sankharas—deep-seated mental patterns manifesting as physical pain, visions, or memories. As I observed them with equanimity, they dissolved. The mind resisted fiercely, generating distractions, cravings, and bizarre hallucinations.
One vivid vision was of a snake hissing at me from my lower back. As I observed it without fear, the snake vanished, and my pain transformed into a subtle, pleasant sensation.
Day 5-7: Strong Determination & Deeper Layers
From Day 5 onward, we practiced Adhiṭṭhāna—”Strong Determination”—sitting completely still for an hour at a time. The pain was excruciating, but I began to witness its transient nature. I also started experiencing Banga Nana—a state where the body feels weightless and dissolves into pure sensation.
On Day 6, my mind fixated on a particular participant—an Adidas-wearing, sighing, watch-clanking Frenchman whom I irrationally hated. My equanimity shattered whenever he sighed too loudly. This forced me to confront my own projections. Ultimately, I realized: He is a mirror of my own judgments and insecurities.
Day 7 brought the most profound insight: I am not my sensations. There was an intense internal “battle” in my mind, and then—a quiet, profound detachment.
Day 8-9: Dissolution and Revelation
By Day 8, the body scan became effortless. I experimented with weaving golden light through my body, mapping sensations with precision. My body felt light, transparent.
That night, I encountered a terrifying dream: a demonic sigil emerged from a television, screaming at me. Instead of reacting, I simply observed. It disappeared instantly. This was a lesson—fear dissolves under the gaze of pure awareness.
On Day 9, we began practicing inside the body, scanning through layers beyond the surface. My feet burned with an intense, numbing sensation—the last Sankhara revealing itself. As I remained equanimous, a tidal wave of self-hatred and generational trauma erupted, then dissipated.
Day 10: Breaking Noble Silence
At 10 AM, we were allowed to speak again. Anxiety gripped me—What if I say something stupid? But when I opened my mouth, conversation flowed effortlessly. The walls of silence shattered, and I connected with others more deeply than ever before.
Conclusion
Vipassana was not just meditation—it was a surgical deconstruction of my mind. It forced me to witness my own suffering, then dismantle it through pure awareness.
I learned:
- Pain is a transient. It has a location, it resists like a “scary wall”, and contains pure wisdom.
- Suffering is optional.
- I cannot change others, only myself.
- I do not need to prove anything.
- Doubt is a force that can be transformed into deep inquiry.
And most importantly: The path is the goal.
Would I do it again?
Absolutely.
May all beings be happy.
Find a free 10-day Silence Vipassana Meditation Retreat here.
Also published on Medium.
