Wow… so this is Vipassana!

My Raw Experience of my 10-Day Vipassana Retreat in 2020

This blog will take an hour to read. Short on time? I created a short version of my experience here.
Find a free 10-day Silence Vipassana Meditation Retreat here.

From July 7th to 18th, I joined a 10-day Vipassana course (Dhamma.org) in Limburg, Belgium—a location less than an hour’s drive from my home. I’ve taken these notes about 2 weeks after my retreat, and it took me almost five years to publish these writings.

For a basic summary of the technique and an explanation of why it works, please see this post.

Short Context

I first encountered Vipassana about in 2013 when I took a course in creativity by Vespers (Creative Mastery). I experimented with meditation then and was fascinated by the notion and concept, although it never became a daily practice. Back then, I was still Christian, and when I felt my body “tingling” or “spinning”, I literally feared that literally demons were attacking me. My mother’s strong disapproval of meditation and any practice not centered on Jesus only reinforced my decision to stop.

As the years passed, I encountered more influences online and in the world that nudged me to try meditating again. In 2017 and 2018, I meditated at least an hour per month (which is very little in total, but still something!).

By 2019, I moved “beyond mere meditation” and began practicing Contemplation (as beautifully described in a book by Richard Rudd’s Art of Contemplation) along with the concept of shadow work—a practice intended to clear the body/mind of unconscious traumas, limiting core beliefs, and repressed emotions. It turns out that I really loved this pivot from mere observing of the mind, to move of an active approach where I “hunt down shadows” and “bless them with presence and understanding”.

In early 2020, I took course in Magick by Jason Louv (called “Adept Initiative I”) where I learned about “Raya Yoga.” Every morning for 30 minutes, I practiced a sequence of ASANA, PRANAYAMA, and DHARANA. I quickly learned that pain is a mental concept that can be challenged. Yet, despite these practices, I continued to struggle with concentration, a lack of clear direction, and a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness. While I was making strides with my music and creative projects, an echoing anxiety persisted. I longed for more ancient wisdom—even as I found myself oscillating between cravings for indulgence and resentments toward those who seemed successful without genuine effort.

Over the last half-year, synchronicities repeatedly reminded me to take a Vipassana course. I tried to enroll in November 2019 but was placed on a waiting list. After more mentions of Vipassana in a Netflix series, by Jason Louv, and by other online influences, I finally took the plunge and registered for the July 2020 course.

My Vipassana Prep Work

Without reading extensively about Vipassana beforehand and remaining open to the experience, I expected that I would simply practice Raja Yoga or sit quietly with deep breathing. My goal was to withdraw from daily struggles and external pressures and instead turn inward.

For over a year, I had been working with the 7 Sacred Seals as transmitted by Richard Rudd. These seals are intended to quicken the burning of karma, paving the way for building the rainbow body and aligning the path between the SQ and Core in the Gene Keys. To smoothly transition from daily life into the retreat state, I dedicated the seven days before the course to opening these seven sacred seals—one each day—with the final seal opening on the retreat’s opening day.

I also stopped drinking coffee to avoid headaches (and indeed, I experienced a heavy headache on July 1st and 2nd). My Sacred Seal work looked as following:

• 1st July 2020 – Opening of the 7th Sacred Seal – “Suffering is Grace” – Tsaphkiel – Healing the World Wound
• 2nd July 2020 – Opening of the 6th Sacred Seal – “Truth is Surrender” – Gabriel – Healing Separation
• 3rd July 2020 – Opening of the 5th Sacred Seal – “Forgiveness is Freedom” – Tsadkiel – Healing Guilt
• 4th July 2020 – Opening of the 4th Sacred Seal – “We are the Epiphany” – Haniel – Healing Shame
• 5th July 2020 – Opening of the 3rd Sacred Seal – “Love Ends Suffering” – Rafael – Healing Rejection
• 6th July 2020 – Opening of the 2nd Sacred Seal – “Omniscience Precedes Transformation” – Khamael – Healing Denial
• 7th July 2020 – Opening of the 1st Sacred Seal – “We Surrender to the Will of the Whole” – Mikhael – Healing Repression

The goal of my retreat was to experience my “Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel”, or as other spiritual systems call “contacting one’s higher self”. All super vague terms for the uninitiated, but I hope that those who know, will know.

On July 7th, we were expected to arrive at the Vipassana center (Dhamma Pajjota) in Dilsem-Stokkem, meaning that I’d be opening the last seal in the morning, then gently drive to Dilsem-Stokkem, and have an experience.

The Vipassana Experience

Arrival and First Impressions

When I arrived on July 7th, I felt a bit on edge. There were about 50 students waiting to check in. The crowd included a mix of personalities—the gentle spiritual seeker, the average person, the older practitioner, artist and musician types, and so on. I really noticed that my mind immediately resurrected a kind of “judgements field”, and I found myself projecting judgments and negativity onto nearly everyone present. Even when I made a choice to see them in a more positive way, there was this “layer present” through which everything was coloured by judgement. I’ve often experienced this type of mechanism in the months leading up to the retreat, so it really felt as if I was going to “hone in” on this one.

After checking in, I received my room number (102) and learned that I would be sharing the room with another person. Immediately, a new worry arose in my mind: “How will we manage Noble Silence if we’re not allowed to speak yet have to shared a shower?”. I decided to go with the flow, set up my bed, and take a walk in the Dhamma Gardens.

Weirdly enough, the more that I was walking, the more my mind couldn’t shut up, and it kept spewing more and more “garbage thoughts” so to speak. Endless worries and mental constructs about perfection, self-esteem, political correctness, scientism, and then finally, a deep desire to be recognised:

• How can I write about anything profound, it no one will read it? Why even write?
• What if my writings won’t convince anyone?
• How can I release music, if I’m so hard on myself, that I really don’t even like my own music?
• Am I truly prepared to share my unique wisdom and perspective with the world?
• Should I focus on my work or let my cravings for candy, sex, and distractions win?

Now from years of experience later, I can tell you that the above is the effect of working with the Seven Sacred Seals. In my magical record, I’ve often recorded similar persistent “mental convulsions” followed by a phase of “purgatory and healing”, after having opened one of the lower sacred seals (the 3rd, 2nd, or 1st, corresponding to the mental, astral, and physical planes). These seals tend to surface a surge of turbulent, highly-stuck patterns which need surgical and loving attention. Of course, when I was talking in the gardens of the meditation center, I forgot all of this, and I was for all intents and purposes, suffering. In Vipasanna, and the broader Buddhistic teaching, the object that is experienced in these cases are called SANKHARAS, a Sanskrit word, and they’re often described as self-enforcing chains of misery, triggered by craving or aversion. Vipassana, I learned, is a technique to break these chains with love and equanimity by realising the truth that “everything in the now will pass” (Anitya or Impermanence). But back to the story!

At some point during my walk, I recalled insights from my Gene Keys work, which helped me step out of the mental loop and regain a sense of calm—even though my ego protested harshly!

By around 7:00 PM, a massive gong sounded, which both meant that Noble Silence has begun, and that we’re expected to gather in the meditation hall. As we entered the meditation halls, we were assigned a rectangular cushion (Zabuton) for meditation, and as we took a seat on our meditation couching, through a series of speakers and two TV’s, an pretty old video recording starting playing with our teacher for the next 10 days: Goenka.

Goenka would go on chanting in Hindi, proceeded to explain a set of strict rules to adhere to for the coming few days (no killing, no sexual misconduct, no intoxication, no lies), and finally, we were instructed to maintain Noble Silence until Day 9, speaking only to the manager of our sex, and only when truly necessary.

Soon after, we were introduced to our first meditation technique: Anapana. Goenka explained that we should focus on the sensation at and around our nostrils. Just focusing on the air that moves in, and out, just observing the sensations, nothing else. This would be our focus for the first day (July 8th) until the next discourse at 7:00 PM. The first meditation was about 45 minutes long, and we were free to change our posture as long as we did so slowly and gently.

I began the session by entering into straight on Raya Meditation mode, but then I felt that I would do the 10 day course injustice, if I wouldn’t allow myself to by guided by the teaching. Thus I reseted my conscious, and went on to focus on my breath and sensations at my nostrils, switching posture perhaps twenty times in the first 45 minutes, and becoming very uncomfortable to the idea that this would be another 9 days of this. This idea actually shook me deeply. After the hour long meditation together, we were asked to rest. Day 0 was over, and Day 1 was about to begin.

Below is a day-by-day summary of my experience and key insights, obtained on that day.

Day 1 – “Focus on Your Nose”

I woke at 4:00 AM, though sleep was minimal due to my roommate’s loud, inconsistent snoring. Arriving at the meditation hall a bit late, I settled into focusing on my nose.

Key Experiences of Day 1:

• I drifted off to sleep several times before around 11:00 AM due to lack of rest.
• While on walks between meditation sessions, everything felt oddly enhanced—as if I were on a low dose of psilocybin or LSD. I experienced moments of deep appreciation mixed with frustration: “OMFG, when is the gong going to sound? Everything hurts!”
• I experimented with various cushions and postures, though my lower back, ankles, and neck began to really ache after hours of sitting meditation.
• The midday meal was simple—a tomato-based sauce, two pieces of bread, with tahini and peanut butter.

In the evening, we watched the first discourse video of the course on YouTube. Goenka discussed the breath and the principle of Impermanence (Anitya). He then instructed us for Day 2: narrow our focus to the triangular area from the top of the nose to the upper lip. We were to notice any sensation—tingling, coldness, sweating, numbness—without naming nor reacting to it. This exercise was meant to train our minds to focus on a smaller area, as to sharpen the capacity for our minds to focus and feel a certain particular area in our lives. This process of “progressive focusing practise” would continue for the next few days until the full Vipassana technique began on Day 4.

Just at the end of the televised course session, a blue background appeared with white text on it, reading “May All Beings Be Happy”. This message struck a chord with me. It resonated with my own personal highest aspiration—to bring self-actualisation and happiness to others—even as I struggled to find happiness within myself. This concept became a huge paradox in my life: how can one incomplete being teach another incomplete being about being complete? That night, I went to bed in tears. I was fully overwhelmed by the realisation that I, like everyone I love, will one day die. In that moment, I recognised the insignificance of our individual existences, yet also the beauty in our shared striving.

Insights from Day 1:

• I noticed that I was projecting my own competitive tendencies onto the group, trying to “outperform” others in meditation. What a craze to experience this at a 10-day Vipassana Meditation Retreat!
• I experienced bursts of grand ideas (one being a “digital 777” web-version project) but struggled to remember them fully. I wasn’t allowed to take notes or journal neither.
• I had moments resembling psychedelic states—with deep astral visions and a heightened perception of my surroundings.
• I battled with oscillations of ego and profound feelings of worthlessness.

Day 2 – “Reduce the Area of Focus on Your Nose”

On the second night, my roommate’s snoring worsened, leaving me with only about an hour of sleep. To cope, I took brief power naps during walking breaks. I even considered speaking to the male manager about the noise but ultimately resolved to let karma take its course.

During the meditation sessions, we focused on the triangle from the top of the nose to the upper lip. I observed my natural breath and noted that my nostrils expanded when I exhaled and contracted slightly when I inhaled—realizing that inhaled air is colder than exhaled air.

A spontaneous insight occurred: breathing itself is a cycle involving all four elements. When we inhale, our diaphragm expands (fire); as the cold air causes the nose to contract (water); the air is drawn into the chest (air); and life manifests in our body (earth).

Insights from Day 2:

• I entertained grand delusions of influencing the entire world through my creative work.
• I experimented with various postures during meditation and realized that no position is truly comfortable for prolonged sitting.
• I acknowledged that I am who I am and that I should share my unique perspective—even if it defies conventional scientific study, ongoing paradigms, or even the cultural views of whole nations.
• I coined a concept I call “Evolution by Pattern Projection,” suggesting that evolution might also preserve harmonious patterns in the universe in the capacity to project them out of emergence.

At the end of Day 2, I returned to my room to find that my roommate had left. Confused and emotional, I burst into tears, fearing I had somehow scared him away. I was simultaneously relieved and saddened by his absence. Sleep came reluctantly that night, and I managed only 4.5 hours before the 4:00 AM gong on Day 3.

Day 3 – “Further Reduce the Area of Focus”

On Day 3, we were instructed to narrow our focus even further—to the triangle with its base at the upper lip and its apex at the bottom of the nose. In this minute area, we were to notice any sensation without labeling it. As I honed my attention to what I felt excellence, subtle pains started to appear in areas where they’ve been absent. My upper and lower back, knees, and feet began to ache despite trying to maintain my posture.

At times, a session lasting 1.5 hours felt like 15 minutes. However, whenever my ego started to inflate with thoughts like “I am the greatest mage of all time”, this massive pain would return, and my focus would falter. I’d get stuck thinking about the pain, instead of feeling the sensations of being alive in a sitting bodily position.

During walks, I recited the 7 Sacred Seals along with the associated Archangel names and their healing slogans. The 7th Sacred Seal—“Suffering is Grace”—resonated deeply, though I had yet to experience it fully in practice. Sitting among 74 other meditators, I found myself distracted by physical pain and longing for external relief—even fantasising about a quick escape. I started thinking about the different people I’d contact right there, to get my phone and stuff back. I’d visualise walking back to the car, taking my phone out to navigate back home, and I was already envisioning what I’d say to my partner… As many flashes and visions of escape intruded upon my otherwise calm and normal nature, I chose to enter into the sensation of my body, and go to sleep.

Day 4 – “Vipassana Day”

Day 4 was a turning point. The morning continued with Anapana practice (focusing on the triangular area beneath the nose). At 3:00 PM, we were introduced to the Vipassana technique through our first body scan. We were instructed to sit for nearly two hours without changing our posture (only slight micro-adjustments were allowed).

The transition was subtle: after focusing on the breath under our noses, we were directed to shift our attention upward to the top of the head and then slowly sweep our awareness downward through each body part—head, neck, shoulders, arms, upper chest, belly, and so on—observing any sensation in each area before moving on. At the end of the guided session, Goenka asked us to quickly scan our entire body simultaneously. In this moment, something amazing occurred: my entire body felt light and surging with high voltage rainbowy energy —a brief glimpse of what I can only describe as “Pure Bliss.” Almost immediately, however, my mind pulled me back into the familiar discomfort of being in a body, and the ache felt in my shoulders, neck, and lower back.

I hear Goenka explaining further: if we encounter any “blind spot” or “gross/icky sensation” while scanning, we should calmly and equanimously observe that area of “blindness” and “ickiness”.

It was exactly at these moments of equanimous observation of blind spots and painful areas, that I experienced sudden appearance of intense visuals—past memories, future expectations, and astral distractions—that attempted to pull me away from observing the painful spot. At one point, while focusing on my lower back, I saw in my inner vision a snake that taunted me, and kept biting me in brutal fashion in my lower back. Maintaining equanimity, I let the sensation be, let the snake let its heart out, and after about 15 minutes, the area of pain at my lower back transformed into a pleasant, warm, tingling sensation, almost as that of petting the head of a kitten.

In my mind I thought, “Wow… so this is Vipassana”.

Essentially, Vipassana is a mental practise to rewire reactivity in favour of equanimity—to observe the body as it is, unclouded by craving or aversion. By fine-tuning our awareness over the first three days, we become capable of sensing subtle bodily sensations—even those at the fingertips— and process turbulent patterns contained within, using the Vipassana technique.

Day 4’s evening discourse delved deeper into Vipassana. One key idea (paraphrased) was:

“If you want to experience the Kingdom of Heaven, go within. To live without misery, you must liberate yourself from the chains of Sankharas that bind you to suffering in the present.”

This brought to mind John Bradshaw’s discussion in Healing the Shame That Binds You about the Second Coming of Christ—not as a literal return, but as a symbolic awakening of pure consciousness that heals shame-stained wounds across the whole of humanity. Similarly, Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys speak of “Christ Consciousness” as unconditional love in the face of suffering, and of the Future Human (GK 55), that will be “free of karmic baggage”.

Sitting on a hard wooden bench for over 12 hours, with every part of my body aching and my mind struggling to remain focused, I experienced intense physical suffering. Yet now I had a tool to cut the chains of Sankharas at their root, at my disposal.

Day 5 – “Strong Determination”

On Day 5 we were introduced to the practice of “Strong Determination.” For three meditation sessions that day, we were instructed not to open our eyes or change our posture at all (except for the absolute slightest and slowest adjustments) to reinforce perfect equanimity.

I vowed to practice Strong Determination fully, even outside of the three allotted meditation sessions. From 4:00 AM until 9:00 AM, I resolved not to open my eyes or shift my posture. As I persisted, I began to work through my Sankharas, gradually managing and even transmuting pain into a pleasant equanimous sensation. However, along with this progress came intensified discomfort, reminders of past traumas, and intrusive thoughts such as:

• My girlfriend might leave me.
• I might lose my creative spark and nobody will listen to my music or read my work.
• I fear failure in my job and creative pursuits.
• I worry about financial instability and personal inadequacy.

During the Vipassana body scans, I encountered long-lasting Sankharas anchored deeply into my body. To address these, I turned to techniques from my Gene Keys studies. I would internally ask, “Am I craving XYZ? Do I have an aversion toward ABC?” I came to understand that, as the Gene Keys teach, every shadow hides a gift, and with nonreactivity, it can be transmuted into a higher state.

I’d also develop a little technique that I call “Adding Sankhara Enzymes”. Since the Seven Sacred Seals have a direct connection the Venus Sequence work, I’d juggle a few Gene Keys from my “Gene Keys Profile” as little puzzle pieces in my mind, “applying it” to the state of consciousness I was in, as I’d be scanning a blindspot or ache in my body. During a deep Vipassana session, it’s almost as if the “Allow-Accept-Embrace” technique of contemplation by Richard Rudd, manifests as butter. It wouldn’t take a few deep breaths, to unroot many many blindspots and aches in my body. Truly astonishing!

When meditations sessions would come to an end, I’d quickly scan the room around, and I’d just feel such a deep love and goodwill towards everyone, but then a few moments later, I’d literally produce thoughts of Self-Serving Pride: “I did a full day of Strong Determination. Look how Holy I AM!”.

I can only thank Grace for providing me with a loving and understanding environment, such that thoughts like these were allowed to be witnessed, and renewed by commitment to equanimity.

That day I also had an intriguing 15-minute nap dream:

I was on a large cargo ship filled with containers. From the ocean, we entered a narrow port, and a few thousands meter further, there was a channel with many turns, bends and twists. Our cargo ship was absolutely massive and huge, and it kept cruising forward with an unstoppable force… Tragedy and collision against the channels banks would be inevitable….

So then, out of nowhere, a joystick appeared. Then I saw a hand taking hold of the joystick, and as a real master of steering ships, it miraculously slowed and manoeuvred the whole ship gracefully through the very twisted and bent channel, without collision.

(Bonus points to anyone who can interpret this dream in the context of my experience.)

Day 6 – “Enlightenment Achieved”

Day 6 was particularly challenging. I battled a heavy aversion to the discomfort in my neck and lower back—even though I thought I had already overcome it, the day before. It felt as if I didn’t do any work at all. Also remember that I vowed to Strong Commitment for all meditation sessions in the day, so I really felt like I was getting a lot of “extra training” in, making me feel important. Notice how this is a typical ego thing – and believe it or not, I was noticing myself craving the “blissful” state, usually obtained after scanning and feeling the whole body. So now, during scanning, I’d be thinking of the “blissful state that I could have in the future”, instead of equanimously observing the sensations of the body as they are.

The French Gopnik

It was also on this day, that I developed an intense dislike for the man sitting behind me. Every day, he wore Adidas sportswear and flashy sneakers. He resembled a trucker who casually violated the Noble Silence by frequently looking at me or lingering near the entrance to catch my eye. What irked me most was his stereotypical appearance: poor taste in clothing combined with a silver watch that he treated with nonchalance (he’d throw his watch onto the meditation mat. He really made me mad internally. He’d often sigh and “audibly be bored”. He was really revving a deep wound in my being for sure. I’d envision retaliating his sighs and irregular breaths with a blow to his face, even indulging in elaborate “Def Jam Combo” fantasies. I later realized that these judgments were entirely self-generated constructs, and that the disturbances lay within me.

At one point during meditation, I experienced an intense internal fire as I observed these judgments. Suddenly, it hit me: I was, in many ways, just like him—subject to delusions about my appearance and worth, and eager to project a false sense of superiority. This was a profound revelation, and a “brand-shattering” type of insight thing.

Observing the Voice That Wanted to Stay

Later, while scanning my lower back with strong determination, I encountered an overwhelming surge of pain in the whole of my body. I felt that I was about to break… I felt that I was about to abandon Strong Determination, as I saw visions of have sex, eating something dirty, carelessly gaming my time away …. But no! My determination was pure and focused. As I persisted in observing the sensation, it almost felt as if the whole of my body became “one big pain”, and an intense despair was orchestrated by my senses TO STOP RIGHT THERE AND THEN, AND ESCAPE THE PAIN.

At this edge of persistence, a frantic inner voice started to shout against the walls of my head: “No… Don’t do this… If you continue, you’ll die! Everybody will die and hate you! No one will ever love you!” It felt as if I was not alone in my head; the voice was like an alien echo of my deepest fears. With steadfast equanimity, I allowed the chaos to encapsulate and embrace me. Then time slowed down, I felt the presence of all trees in the surrounding at the same time, as wind would breeze through them. In that moment, I realised the following thought: I am not my senses. I can observe them objectively.

Then, almost as if in confirmation, another voice whispered, “Enlightenment Achieved.” I laughed silently—was this it? My mind was engulfed with bliss and cmlmth as I “passed death”, and then I hear a fat loud **Bong**, the meditation session just ended.

I briefly experienced a state where I could scan my entire body simultaneously, feeling a subtle glow and energy surging at the edges of perception. Yet, when I tried to recapture that state later, blind spots had developed. Goenka later explained that enlightenment, as he described it, is the ability to observe the body without identification. Sadhguru, too, defines enlightenment as seeing reality clearly—and that reality is the interplay of matter, body, and mind (and something beyond).

Day 7 – “Program Continuation”

From there on out, the 4:00 AM gong filled me with excitement and a recurring mantra resounded in my head “Train the mind, tame the mind, work on my own salvation”. I felt so invigorated to practise against the karmic chains of my body! Especially having achieved “enlightenment” the previous evening, I wondered what Day 7 would bring. The answer came quickly as an idea: program continuation— I was about to meet myself exactly where I had left off.

I sat at my meditation bench at 4:20 AM and began meditating. To my surprise, the familiar struggles reappeared: self-doubt, distraction, pride, and an overall sense of limitation. I recalled Goenka’s teachings:

• Misery is self-multiplying, driven by cravings and aversions.
• By objectively observing bodily sensations in light of Impermanence (Anitya), we can cut the chains of reactive habits (Sankharas) at their root.
• Reprogramming these reactions transforms our mind into a more calm and responsive state—a process symbolized by the turning of the Dharma wheel and the subsequent generation of Karma.

That day, I did a few extra things that are outside of the Vipassana Curriculum:

1. Practiced feeling my whole body at once (a technique I later refined—see here).
2. Recited the 7 Sacred Seals in sequence—from the 7th downward—chanting the Archangel names, their slogans, and the wounds they are meant to heal. After invoking each seal, I would perform another body scan to allow the built-up energy to dissipate before moving on.
3. Worked through what Richard Rudd calls the “algorithms of awakening” (Activation Sequence, Venus Sequence, and Pearl Sequence) from my Gene Keys studies, which helped me process mental loops and stuck patterns.

Throughout the day, inner voices sometimes erupted in curses aimed at me. Instead of projecting hate outward, I recognized it as inner judgment. Silencing these voices through sustained equanimity was itself a profound spiritual experience—one that made me feel as though I were beginning to truly understand Buddhism.

Meeting the “Other” Self

(This section contains reflections that require familiarity with hermetic philosophy.)

Late on Day 7, while deep in my body scans, it seemed that the voice guiding my internal dialogue was not entirely my own. In a moment of stillness, I asked, “Who are you?” The voice replied, “I am what you might call your Holy Guardian Angel. I am you. I am your higher self.”
The answer came naturally, uncolored by past conditioning. I then asked further questions—about his identity and origin—and suddenly I experienced a life review of my childhood: memories of every room in my house, from age 5 to 6, unfolded before me as if viewed from above.
The voice then said, “I have been with you all along. I have been guiding you. Whenever you need assistance, simply call my name and I will be there.”
I then recalled passages from Israel Regardie’s The Golden Dawn about astral projection and testing elemental presences before trusting any entity. I cautiously called upon my HGA. I performed, in my imagination, the sign of the Zelator, and the HGA mirrored my actions exactly. “You are only testing your reflection,” he said.
This encounter stitched together my life’s events into a coherent whole, suggesting that the seemingly random encounters and happenings in my life were guided by a higher non-linear purpose.

Major Insights from Day 7:

• My deep-seated sense of inadequacy (shadow at my SQ 48) carries within it a gift of resourcefulness—much like the 48th Hexagram “The Well,” where drawing water requires lowering a bucket into a well that is dry, but still managing to get water out of.
• Spiritual dryness in the morning (9 AM – 11 AM) is critical to be felt and appreciated; the quality of these hours sets the tone for the rest of the day.
• I learned that I cannot save everyone. Each person is responsible for their own salvation. I must trust in my own path.
• I also realized that my life is not defined by others’ expectations. This newfound understanding is liberating.

I further recognized the limitations of trying to convince others of a world beyond the physical—many would never see, read, or understand what I experience.

Day 8 – “Continuous Practice”

On Day 8, Goenka warned us in a serious tone:

“Only 2 days of serious practice remain. On the 10th day you will break Noble Silence, and that does not mix well with deep meditation. Dedicate these next 2 days fully to practice. You have been living, for all tense and purposes, like a monk or nun, sustained by the goodwill of others. Take every minute seriously and let the knowledge of Anitya permeate your practice.”

I decided to double down on practice. I embraced the concept of Continuous Practice—that is, carrying the mindfulness cultivated in the meditation hall into every moment of daily life: during walks, meals, and even while sleeping.
During a walk, I felt every step more profoundly. A trip around the garden that used to take 4–5 minutes now took 10 minutes as I absorbed every sensation. The world around me seemed to come into sharper focus, each object and ray of sunlight a cascade of countless stimuli.

Later that day, while lying on my back, I began to notice a tingling sensation in my legs. I consciously allowed this sensation to spread slowly—up from my legs to my lower back, then to my entire body. I reminded myself again: Equanimity, Adam. Equanimity.
As the tingling intensified, I experienced a moment when it felt as if my body was dissolving. A part of me screamed, “I DON’T WANT TO DIE!” and my body suddenly reasserted itself. Moments later, I drifted into a series of vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams:

• In one, I walked on a small hill next to a sports area. My girlfriend confronted me harshly, calling me lazy and incompetent. I maintained equanimity and let the dream shift.
• In another, I was beside a pond. I picked a beautiful flower, then attempted to climb a slippery, muddy slide. I sank into the quicksand-like mud. First knees, then my neck and then I was fully immersed. In this moment I asked myself calmly, “Do I crave something else? Do I have an aversion to this moment?”. Only when I ceased reacting did the dream shift again.
• In yet another dream, my family berated me in an intensely painful way, and I simply observed with equanimity.

Eventually, I woke up almost in “reverse”— from a state of nothingness to a full bodily awareness. I stood up, sweating and confused, and as I reflected I thought:

“If all of humanity must undergo similar intense purification, then we’re doomed. Almost no one is ready to voluntarily face such cleansing. Humans rather start a war, than to recognise and face their internal state of being.”

A couple of hours later, a feeling of grace washed over me in my body, helping me contextualise the experience as part of my ongoing journey.

Full-Body Sensation and Dissolution

Later that day I lay on my back and sensed a tingling spreading from my feet upward. I maintained equanimity, focusing on the sensation without judgment. Soon, I experienced a state in which I lost my sense of bodily boundaries—my body and environment dissolved into a brilliant light. For a brief moment, I became nothing but a contour suspended in spacetime. Then in a flash, 10-20 minutes passed, and I reappeared in my bed.

Reaching “Banga Nana” in Meditation

Later that day, I learned that the sensation of complete dissolution—the state in which one loses the sense of body and self—is called Banga Nana. Goenka explained that if we can fully feel every inch of our body with no gross sensations or blind spots, we may enter that state.

It was during practise that day, that I experienced a tiny moment of this bliss – the meditation hall vanished and I felt entirely connected with the universe, and had literally no sensation of my body— only a constantly changing and gently pulsing blissful sense of the universe, and union with the “tree of life”.

Time is very relative in these moments, so it’s hard to tell how long these moments lasted. Every time that I’d “come back” from these events, new blind spots and aches would appear on my body during scanning, giving me another round of work.

A Revelation on Being a Sacred Trickster

Around Day 7–8, I experienced a significant revelation regarding my personality. I recognized that I embody the archetype of the Sacred Trickster. For most of my life, I have responded with a clever retort or contrarian perspective—often testing ideas just to see if they would fail. This has led me to repeatedly challenge established norms, sometimes even provoking reactions in myself. I recalled incidents from childhood and early adulthood where I was labeled “devilish” or the “Son of the Devil” by family members, as well as experiences in social situations that reinforced this trickster energy.
This archetype—echoed in figures such as Coyote, Loki, and Mercury—is both a source of creativity and self-sabotage. It remains a defining part of who I am.

Later that evening, before sleep, an unfriendly thought whispered: “A price will be paid for what you’re doing,” as if countless souls were being freed from hell, as somebody was unhappy about this. It felt like a karmic reckoning of my inner journey.

Day 9 – “Last Day of Noble Silence”

On the final day of Noble Silence, I resolved to go “all in.” I planned to work through every Sankhara I encountered and further refine my equanimity. That day we learned that if we can sense a surface sensation, we can attempt to go deeper—feeling and traversing the body internally.

Weaving Light Through the Body

I experimented with visualizing a golden light:

1. I imagined a golden beam piercing from one side of my chest to my back.
2. I visualized a “golden light comb” slicing through my body, followed by a thread of light “sewing” my spine.
3. When I encountered blind spots in my neck, I pictured my neural network branching out like spider legs made of golden light, precisely scanning every area.
4. Finally, I visualized a golden cocoon enveloping my entire body. When the cocoon broke apart, I emerged feeling whole and grounded.

This “Light Weaving Technique” was both playful and profound.

Burning Through the Curse

At around 4:00 PM, I began to feel an intense burning and numbing sensation in both feet. I worried about whether I was compressing nerves or if this was simply a reaction to meditation. Determined to work through the sensation, I focused on it with equanimity. Gradually, I pinpointed the underlying feeling: an enduring sense of inadequacy—a shadow I had carried for years.
I asked myself, “Do I crave being liked? Am I afraid of not being enough?” In response, a torrent of self-hate and old criticisms emerged—accusations that I was worthless, that nothing I did would amount to anything. I listened to these judgments without reaction, and then, as if by magic, a sphere of white light pushed these negative thoughts aside. For a few seconds, I felt profound peace as the “curse” lifted.
Shortly after, as the gong sounded, I noticed that I had lost sensation in the tops of my big toes—a temporary numbness that I accepted as the price for deep purification.

The Biggest Revelation About My Work and Being

Toward the end of Day 9, a deep sense of security and relaxed clarity emerged in me. I reflected:

• All life is interconnected—a vast tree of life in which every action ripples through past, present, and future.
• Every deed, every step toward transmutation, reshapes the fabric of the universe.
• I have nothing to prove to anyone.
• My work, whether seen or unseen, is inherently artful and meaningful.
• The challenges I face are my fuel. Suffering, when met with equanimity, becomes grace and transforms into pure gold. The shadow is fuel for growth.
• Doubt, though ever-present, is the catalyst that drives inquiry and growth.
• Even distractions can enrich my journey if I remain open to their lessons.
• I learned that history and mainstream education often neglect the vast spectrum of human experience—focusing too narrowly on profit and measurable outcomes—whereas true wisdom lies in embracing the full tapestry of life.

Day 10 – “Opening My Mouth”

On Day 11, we were allowed to speak again—beginning around 10:00 AM. As the hour approached, anxiety resurfaced. I recalled the myriad mystical and challenging experiences of the previous days, and my inner voice warned of potential shame and rejection.
I spent 20 minutes in solo meditation, scanning my body and reaffirming that I could face whatever came with equanimity. My heart pounded as I resolved to interact with others.
To my relief, when I began speaking, I experienced the smoothest interactions of my life. I noticed that where I once felt the need to impress others with wisdom, I now simply listened and shared authentically.

I also observed that many others did not experience Vipassana as intensely as I did—their minds remained anchored to familiar worldviews. This reminded me that each person’s journey is unique.

Day 11 and Beyond

(I leave further reflections and future insights for another blog.)

To Conclude

This 10-day Vipassana retreat was a profound journey into both suffering and liberation. I encountered physical pain, emotional turmoil, and deep internal battles—but I also experienced moments of bliss, insight, and transformation. I learned that through the disciplined practice of equanimity, even the most ingrained patterns of craving and aversion (Sankharas) can be transmuted into wisdom and grace. Every step on this path, no matter how painful, is part of the unfolding journey toward true liberation.

I hope you enjoyed this sharing. May it serve as both an accurate record of my experience and an inspiration for others on their own paths.

Find a free 10-day Silence Vipassana Meditation Retreat here.

Also published on Medium.